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Archive for the ‘vague politics’ Category

we know we have been positively lax about our work, but you see, other things have occupied the minds of we here at the office, and thus, we have neglected you. horribly. we are sorry for this, but life has required living and we are the only ones up for the job.

with that admission and apology out of the way, let us rocket forward to topics of great pleasure, namely rham emanuel and his glorious fake twitter account. we here at casual friday don’t really “get” twitter. we don’t really want to get it either. however, in the boiling sea of mental and emotional vomit that is twitter a single beacon of hope and humor has emerged bouncing along… and that dear friends is the fictional twitter account authored by an anonymous and jolly wraith known as mayoremanuel. phew. good medicine that twitter account, or whatever you call it, is.

now, rham isn’t to pretty pleased about this blog, offering a price spanning between 2500 and 5000 bones to be donated to the charity of choice for someone to rat out the glorious soul who is authoring rham’s mayoral running and tenure with such a light touch and effusive use of all the best four letter words.

to mayoremauel, our continued support is yours and yours alone.

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well, no matter how you slice it politically, with rham an official candidate in the chicago mayoral elections, the fur is going to fly. we wait for it all with bated breath!

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the sweetness of revenge

somewhere in his sty don perata is doing backflips in the heavenly slop that is a sweet revenge paired with a degree of media exposure… as the story goes, mayor elect jean quan has had a little, well deficiency in the whole “paying parking tickets” department and hence owes approximately 1k- no small potatoes. thus ms. quan found her adult-contemorary silver prius be-booted this brisk morning. now, how does don “pigshit” perata figure into this sordid equation? well, the company that holds the contract for the city of oakland booting and towing is called berry brothers. now, there has always been a close relationship between berry brothers towing and mr. perata, they are regular campaign contributors for his various elections over the years and we have some second hand gossip (which might not be good but the source tends to be pretty credible and thus must remain that which is not named) perata helped secure berry brothers towing contract with the city many years back. berry brothers also contributed pretty heftily to the campaign of hodge, who was, as discussed in earlier posts played a low-grade george w. to don perata’s dick cheyne… now, we aren’t saying that perata orchestrated this booting, but you KNOW he’s got to be loving it.

jean, baby, you gotta pay the piper. don’t make us regret having voted for you- that small fact won’t prevent us from ripping you a new one should the opportunity arise…

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dear god, ron “9-5 blows” dellums has done it again. we are at work very early today and perusing the sf chronicle and happened upon an article detailing the finer points of dellums deep-seated narcissism which manifested itself in a 68 page self pleasuring document he issued in lieu of actually attending the state of the city address.

now, we’re not going to lie, we have not read the whole thing. but we have read approximately 80% of it, and frankly it reads like career porn for professional, albeit dillusional, squares.

let us show you the documents through the laser-like, yet tired, eyes of the casual friday team of political analists- you can trot this out over the weekend when you are out wowing studs with your insight into the political workings of oakland and the greater alameda county- it’s on us.

so really this 68 page fantasia is basically a blow-by-blow account of all of the greatness that ron dellums has “accomplished” over the past four years- really it reads like an overwrought resume. some of the highlights include:

1. two months of midnight basketball

2. eliminating “sideshow” activities

3. acquiring state-of-the-art technology (so the city got some new laptops?)

4. “responded to civil unrest after the verdict from the bart shooting trial” (as in attendance spectators to the aforementioned, we are going to have to heartily disagree)

5. “quadrupled public skating attendance” at the oakland ice rink

6. distributed 1,750 bike helmets

when it gets to the point when innane shit like this makes the list of great accomplishments to ones major mayoral resume, and paired it with the level of gradure that dellums operated in, we think that the only graceful exit out is taking it like a man and just drinking the hemlock.

ronnie- happy trails to you. and you dear casual friday readers, should you wish to gloss over this hand-job, here is the link… http://oaklandnet.com/

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so with the elections behind us, questions have been asked regarding ron “fuck work” dellums, namely if he is going to cut early or stick it out until the end of his term. now, dellums has basically be deeply enmeshed in the peaceing out process since he first showed up late to work at the start of his mayoral term in 2006. now, we hate work just as much as the next person, so we get this attitude. however, dellums took his distain for indignity of having to earn ones living one step further in a 2007 interview, bitchily stating “i’m giving it everything that i have. if that’s not enough, that’s cool.” awesome. we feel that way with clock like regularity as well mr. dellums.

but like everything in its last death throes, nature gets unpredictable. and now dellums is bitching that he won’t leave office before the end of his term in january- if he shows up to work one day between now and january our heads will explode. or something like that. frankly we’re baffled by his motives… you never showed up, why show down? perhaps he is trying to buy some time on stalling the $252,000 in back taxes he owes…

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to fortify our senses of spirituality and sanity during today’s regularly scheduled 8 hour indignity, we have been studying up on the topic of spirit animals. staring slack-jawed at the screen, mind adrift in new, weird info, we suddenly found ourselves thinking about ill-conceived first spirit animal impressions. much like that mysterious young adonis sitting at the end of a darkened bar who, upon closer inspection, is actually an older quasimoto, it is that same feeling of being duped by senses and sensibility alike.

as an example, when gavin newsom first popped up on our political conscious meter back in 2003, we at casual friday were taken a-back by this studly kennedy-esque figure. sure sure, his hair was a little greasy and he looks a bit plastic, but worst things could be said of us, after all, judge not lest ye be judged right? so the gav’s first round as mayor was a study in the three p’s: potholes, public schools, and poverty. but then he pulls a fast one and says hell yes to marrying the gays so, we thought to ourselves, perhaps this man is being lead spiritually by a wiser power than the plodding bovine we initially thought. maybe this man is being lead by some sort of a bitching eagle? all feathers and talons?

then the 2007 elections come around and there was the gav again, front and center. this time, perhaps emboldened by fucking his campaign manager’s wife and defeating both a nudist activist and the owner of the power exchange sex club, the gav began to show his true colors- his character maturing into something more akin to a flat canned beer than a robust vintage wine. the gav got shady. the gav started getting seriously fucked up and then there was that little did-he-didn’t-he do a bunch of blow?

and then gav sold his soul to the devil- we see no other logical explaination. as suddenly the gav was riding bikes and marrying some actress and pulling his shit together to run for lt. governor… it was a strange thing to watch a person go all floppy for “the man” and the promise of power right before our collective eyes…

 we have taken the liberty of looking to our own spirit animal for guidance to help divine the nature of gav’s true spiritual animal guide, and after long thought we have come to the conclusion that the gav’s spirit animal is an over-boiled wiener. though, who knows what it could become once he and jerry brown hold hands and take the plunge into sacramento, together…

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well, election day has come and past. there was a degree of indignities suffered, however some great social landmines were avoided as well.

first off, a big fuck you to don perata for winning the oakland mayoral race. we’re pretty sure that he will be a far more active mayor that ron “dick off” dellums, however that isn’t saying much of anything- corpses show more activity than dellums has in his entire term. however, if we are to put on our spangled cap and do a little soothsaying, we are going to put dope and dollars on perata quickly descending into a cycle of upping his buddies and treating city hall like his own personal country club. we don’t see great things from this guy, after all, if you put a pig in lipstick, at the end of the day, it’s still a pig. we here at casual friday promise you nothing but snarky commentary on this vomitous weasel’s tenure, that, our dear public, you can rely on. nothing but the best of the worst here at casual friday, and that’s a commitment we intend to uphold.

another big bummer was the “no” vote on prop 19. now, we aren’t just saying this because we ourselves have indulged in some praise to jah almighty. no, no it’s not the loadie in us that is disappointed, but the part of us that realized how greatly that influx of much needed tax dollars could have helped out the state of california. with that said, the teenage pot head in us all were saddened. but, dear readers, don’t you worry your pretty heads as this isn’t going to diminish our own commitment to upholding a “yes” vote on prop 19 in our personal lives…

in good news though, that fucking bitch whitman is out of the game- we have spent many late nights keeping the anxieties in the closet at bay trying not to envision a world where meg was governor of california. barf. now, we’re not wild about the jerk and gel party winners, but you know what, we’re not wild about a lot of things but this is 100% a far preferable alternative than having to say “governor whitman”.

we naturally are crying tears of sadness that our lady love rebecca kaplan didn’t get elected. but honestly, she’s young and we hope and pray that she will run again when she has clocked a little more city-hall-bullshit time and street cred under her belt.

ultimately in this pageant of lowered expectations, things weren’t as grim as they could have been and thankfully the kool-aid is saved to be drunk another day.

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oh my gawwwwd. bill clinton, patron saint of work place blow jobs and inhale-ability challenged former president of the united states of whatever has admitted that during his tenure as preseident he lost the nuke launch codes. lets just repeat that and let it set in, bill clinton lost the fucking nuke launch codes. for months. in 1998. these revelations are brought to us by a memoir put out by one general hugh shelton, a former chairman of the joint (ha!) chiefs of staff under (ha!) bill clinton.

shelton sums up the problem as being “a big deal- a gargantuan deal” to which we here at the offices of casual friday say no fucking kidding. according to sheldon, bill didn’t cop up to losing the digits right away, first he stated that the codes were upstairs… which strikes us as being a little more casual that we are comfortable with. following a big group lookie-loo, billy “finally confessed that he in fact misplaced them. he couldn’t recall when he had last seen them”.

we here at casual friday are under psychic assault of million questions like angry crows are swarming our overly indulged mind. questions such as: were these codes written on a cocktail napkin in lipstick? where were these codes found? how long were they missing?

now, no one is perfect, and we’ve all lost things in our lives- cars in parking lots, friends, sunglasses, our mind. however we here feel that when an individual is elected into the office of president, it is with the express hope, and one might say responsibility, that they are above losing critically important things. all we’ve got to say is this: party fail bill, big fucking party fail.

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so from the looks of things, the new york gubernatorial elections debate last night was the place to be. this year new york city has a real bevy of insanity in the running, but amongst all of the emotional and social train wrecks is one, jimmy mcmillian, 64, of the “rent is 2 damn high” party who really stood out as the new crown prince of the fucking weird.

mcmillian’s party, rent is 2 damn high, basically stands for that- rent being to high and that being a damn problem. granted, he does not offer any real resolutions to the problem, from the looks of his web page, however we think that it is probably a key-note issue he would tackle with unique zeal.

we spent an awesome, and illuminating, few moments pursuing the breathless thing which is mcmillian’s campaign website (http://www.jimmymcmillan.org). it has a list of items that we can only assume to be a broad range of “issues” he is concerned with. one such issue being stated simply as “transgender”. According to the site, mcmillian states that transgender is “not gay” and is due to the “the medical community has been choosing who is male and who is female, this attitude has got to change”. amazing.

when asked about gay marriage, mcmillian also stated his stance was he’d “let a person marry a shoe” if that was their wish. a baffling statement, however at this early hour of the day, we are going to elect to interoperate it as a pro-gay stance, though we really have nothing else to back it up with.

as an interesting side note, jimmy also gives a shout out to his dentist on his website, crediting her with the good condition of his smile.

now to the nuts and bolts, mcmillian is a former postal employee and vietnam veteran. mcmillian wears gloves all of the time, pays rent, and has a huge mustache which he calls his “moneymaker”. the wallstreet journal reported today that mcmillian’s campaign war chest contains a whopping $26.09.

surprisingly, this isn’t mcmillian’s first go at politics, mcmillian ran for mayor of new york city in 2005. we here at casual friday have no idea how we missed this nut bag the first time around, suffice to say in 2005 we were probably more interested in beer bongs than we were in new york politics.

it was during this election that mcmillian gifted himself with some skeletons for his political closet. these specters take the form of ill-uttered phrases about “jewish people are responsible for the rent being 2 damn high problem”. we here at casual friday are very obviously against that sentence in every way, shape and form, and apparently mcmillian has begun to see the light and is now publicly recanting that statement like a modern-day latimer. which is a good, however, you know, some things you can’t un-say, especially when you are running for mayor, or governor, of new york. it is likely this, and several other things, will ultimately be the undoing of  jimmy mcmillian’s prospects as governor of new york.

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the battle for city hall

mother of god, its official. everyone is running for mayor of oakland. the impending 2010 mayoral election roster is currently bloated with a total of ten, mother fucking ten, candidates, all biffin’ it out. who knew that trying to be the mayor of oakland was so popular, really if one thinks about it, being mayor of oakland is the skinny jeans and post-ironic rasta-colored d.a.r.e. shirt of the political scene right now… frankly we at casual friday feel like this glut of candidates is in part due to ron “take this job and shove it” dellums lowering the bar to such an extraordinary level that basically even we at casual friday feel like we could be the mayor and successfully hold down a second part-time job as well…

none the less, we here at the offices of casual friday have spent countless half-hours pouring through ten largely worthless cadidates that are available to us and have widdeled down our opinions to the following:

rebecca kaplan- stud of the dykes, fun and dope party. she is somewhat fresh in the oakland political scene, but comes with some good ideas on how to manifest some positive, and much needed changes in oakland. she has backed the taxing of weed, is dedicated to making functional public transportation a reality rather than a cute joke, and helped update the puritanical cabaret laws in oakland. and she also got mouthy with the cops at the oscar grant “riot”, which always makes our heart go pitter patter.

jean quan- a more boring, but very qualified candidate. while we don’t want to take her moonlit make-out party walk around lake merritt with her, as we do kaplan, we will however recognize that she is a broad who could get the job done. quan has fought to save music programs in public schools, feels that cops need to be more integrated in the “community” they work in, and has had the balls to call perata out on his numerous manifestation of bullshit.

so we like these two. we’d take either or both of them, though ultimately our allegiances lie with kaplan… 

as to those we feel poison towards, are, not surprisingly, king of the hell-beast pigfuckers don perata. now donny boy is a slime bag supreme, not only is he flagrantly disregarding the election  spending caps that oakland has in place, he has time and again shown that he is lazy, big into cronyism, and is corrupt as fuck. he sodimized the oakland public school system and in 2002 threatened then-oakland schools super intendant dennis chaconas with godfather-esque violence after he (chaconas) failed to hire perata’s buddy. perata has been very closely involved in three separate incidences of money laundering. he also has a face you just want to punch.

in addition to all of the aforementioned is perata’s lastest fuck you, aka the crazy mayoral candidacy of marcie hodge. the hodge candidacy is a very likely to be a perata-backed scheme to block votes that kaplan and quan might get in what is boiling down to a very tight election. conspiracy theory? well perata helped hodge the fuck out in her 2006 bid for city council and the amount of money that she is blowing on glossy leaflets and billboards is huge, and is further sketchified by the fact she will not disclose the source of her campaign contributions/funds. if we could pick a song to soundtrack the hodge-perata relationship it would 100% be “master of puppets” by metallica. not only is hodge dumb as a rock in her own right, she herself has been a source of scandal after poorly managing the peralta school district and using the districts credit card for personal use.

this is a similar, though vastly dumbed down, situation that manifested in 2000 with bush sliding nadar money to help draw votes away from gore in what was a very close election… so there you have our illustrious opinions on the impending races- the good, the bad, and the ugly… or more correctly: the awesome, the good, the evil, and the stupid.

and, rebecca kaplan, the offer totally stands if you would like to take a romantic stroll around whatever oakland landmark you chose with us.

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